Sophie Sweatman

Or how to resolve an argument peacefully – Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay

We’ve all had it, the person who keeps saying “goodbye” on X but then sends more replies to your previous replies. They blame you entirely for the debate raging on but want the last word. They’re jabbing the finger, ridiculing your profile, everything you say and do is wrong.

The topic of discussion was abandoned many posts ago. This person is, possibly, in child ego state reacting to a strict parent or authoritarian teacher. Maybe I’m projecting? I don’t think I am.

Truth be told, you might even grow to like them. I don’t think it is said enough that interacting with someone else, even in caps over social media, is quite intimate. By that I mean, we see into each other, our hang-ups, inner child or parent, reactions, previous experiences, defenses and a raw human being in the vulnerable state of argument. Therefore, for both parties’ sake the time has come to end the conversation or resolve the argument so we can focus on the next thing in our days.

Amazingly, experimental AI and how-to articles are like click-bait. They trot out trite little sentences. These all seem passive aggressive and would be lucky if they fit in the dynamics of a live raging stand-off. it is not about the words, it’s about the intentions behind it.

To end a conversation respectfully or to resolve an argument peacefully, requires including consideration for both people involved in what we choose to say. No stock phrases could do this. (Stock images, however, are great for blogs. Thanks Pixabay).

Here is my suggestion for ways to end a social media exchange peacefully

• Before starting your conclusive reply, read or think objectively over the conversation. What are the main points? What happened?
• Don’t rush to react to anything the other person says. Take your time to prepare your response.
• If the other person is angry and you’d like to buy time before they go off in a huff by blocking or muting you, maybe say “hi, I’m just re-reading the thread.” Be disarming by talking to them like a person.
• Avoid reacting to each of their replies. On social media these will appear one-after-another in their notifications feed. Read all their replies before your final response.
• Start your reply with a reference to the topic you started discussing, such as “I think we agreed…” then say at least one thing you agreed about.
• Be direct about what you didn’t like and own your reactions to them. For example “I get defensive when someone starts on me.” Or “It’s upsetting for a stranger to start trampling over my career.”
• Next, acknowledge something they said you relate to, “I appreciate you’re wanting to get back to work.”
• Saying something neutral that you both relate to can click them out of defense mode. If not, find something you said you can now see fanned the flames of argument and acknowledge it, “I didn’t say this well. I now see how it came over.”
• If they still carry on, take leadership to conclude and say “I didn’t want to annoy you and always enjoy a discussion. Thank you for chatting and glad we got to the bottom of that story.”

In summary the intentions behind ending a conversation or argument, particularly with a stranger on social media who has started machine-gunning the judgments, is to do the good old “do as you would be done by.” When the red mist rises, this is much easier to do, compared to when you are in the fog of verbal war.

• Be clear and direct about how you feel now.
• Summarise what you agreed on from the discussion
• Acknowledge positives from the other person
• Mention something human you’d both relate to.
• Own up to something you said, which increased tension
• Thank the person for engaging with you.

Then, let them have the last word. Honestly, it feels much better than needing to ‘win’ a disucssion. Just to report, the person who inspired this blog is now chatting happily about their work, the weather and their day ahead. They also used an effective argument ender: “that’s nice”. That’s feelgood afterwards. I’ll call it hindsight ice-cream. Non-dairy of course.

When we stay til the end, remain consistent, resist taking control and allow a natural conclusion, that is where the magic of human transaction happens.